(I wrote this post last night but censored myself and didn’t post it until today)
Today, had me, mid-day in tears.
Maybe it was the dry heat mid-November juxtaposed with the freaking Christmas stuff I see up already juxtaposed with not even knowing what we are doing for Thanksgiving juxtaposed with trying to explain to my kids why there is no Chanukah stuff up and why mommy and daddy have different religions.
Navigating the holidays is proving trying and I dislike that.
All I care about really is to feel spirtually connected to what I believe in and to be around people I love.
I have a very small family. Like really small. Well, outside of my 3 kids.
We don’t do traditional holiday things.
But I have vowed not to have a lonely holiday.
I mean shit, I think a lot of people who moved to LA probably came here to escape some kind of thing back home. I just didn’t realize the thing I ran to escape would vaporize. Making LA my home. One in which I can’t now escape.
And so I am trying to carve out traditions for my kids.
The one tradition my husband I have kept since I was 24 is our annual holiday party. I have become superstitious about it as we only haven’t thrown it one year since it’s inception, 2007. And if 2008 wasn’t a shit storm. Yes, sorry we caused the writers strike and the economical depression all due to my lack of a holiday party.
Lately though the holidays are becoming very sad for me.
I troll Facebook and see people going back home wherever they are from and I feel as if I don’t have that.
But I have to remind myself that there must be a lot of other people who come from these types of backgrounds.
And I’d like to invite you over to my house for Thanksgiving.
But screw it.
I am going to attempt to just do something different this year. Maybe we’ll go to the beach on Thanksgiving? That’s just nuts.
Perhaps when the temperatures dip again here in LA my spirit will lift but right now it is heavy.
I have always known that my favorite gifts are my family and friends.
I don’t know, with a lump in my throat and some censorship rising up I stop there. But to all of you already worrying about the holidays or feeling like a failure know that you are not alone.