My producing partner and co-creator Jessica Cribbs and I started “Expressing Motherhood” in January 2008. We have always built this show around the ability to do it in the amount of time that worked for us since we are both stay at home moms.
People have asked us if we have a blog and we have said no. I started blogging back in ’06 but shut it down in ’08 with the show’s conception. Jessica does have her own blog at Strength of a Rose. Jessica just finished a three day conference in NYC called BlogHer and we’ve become inspired to open an Expressing Motherhood blog.
We want to highlight creative moms out there. Former and current Expressing Motherhood performers, people who haven’t been in the show but who are still channeling their creativity post baby. We also will feature resources for the creative mom, like BlogHer, which Jessica will be weighing in on with her thoughts soon.
We are looking to highlight all creativity stemming from moms! Focusing in on how they find time to be creative and what their creative journey has looked like.
I found the first piece ever performer for our show. Titled, “Mom Jeans.” Written by me and I think it nicely sums up the idea for the show and the intention of our blog.
On the evening I found out I was pregnant, I was drinking a beer and watching a show on birth defects. It was this show that made me put my beer down, head upstairs and take a pregnancy test. Then I curled up into the fetal position and cried for 10 minutes repeating over and over again I’m scared. My husband patted my back the entire time. When I was finished crying I made him finish the rest of my beer and have a couple more in honor of me.
4 months after my son was born I hired a babysitter. I went out shopping to Urban Outfitters. I was reveling in a couple hours of freedom. As the young, feminine man was ringing my purchases up he said, you’re a mom, hmm, you don’t look like a mom. Thanks!
Then I was walking to my car thinking. What does a mom look like? Instantly a picture of a geeky Christmas sweater popped into my head, along with pearl earrings and high waisted jeans that accentuate ones flat ass.
Awesome. He thinks I’m cool, not like that kind of mom.
That’s what has hit me with becoming a mom. This feeling that my desires have had to be put on the back burner. My desires to be cool, hip and yes I know it’s completely un-cool to admit this especially in LA. My greatest desire, my desire to be creative. These are so hard to own once you become a mom.
My need and desire to express myself that’s why I moved to LA. I wanted to become a director. Not a career drop out. AKA mom.
I’m sorry but that’s what I thought of moms at the time.
Maybe it’s because I watched too many movies in the 80’s that involved high powered women. Or maybe it’s some comments that have played upon my insecurities. Comments such as, her career wasn’t going anywhere, she might have just as well had that baby.
There is loss that comes along with becoming a mom. We really have to schedule our time. We have to power house through ideas during nap time or hire a babysitter. And as we all know naps are erratic and irregular and babysitters cost money. And the guilt, I’m not even going to talk about the guilt because my mother in law is busy doing that for me.
The day my son was born I fell instantly in love with him. It was cliché and yet it doesn’t happen that way for all moms. My former feelings of ambivalence and fear were washed away. I was instantly in love.
I was also struck by a thought and that was; I wished I had based all previous decisions on love. Not fear, selfishness, etc.
In an attempt to honor that. I present to you my naptime project, a play built out of the need and desire to express myself.