Today I stood in front of an elevator and thought oh shit.
Because I am not “great” at getting into elevators.
If there are stairs, I will take them. My first blog was “I Take The Stairs.” I stood there thinking, you really need to get in that sucker and go 3 floors.
I waited until one opened and watched a man walk out I tried to assess the elevator but looked away quickly so he wouldn’t actually think I was waiting for the elevator.
If I left I knew I would blow the appointment with this psychiatrist.
I called the front desk and the nice woman whom I had made the appointment answered, “um excuse me, do you have stairs?”
Oh, unfortunately not, she replied very sweetly and immediately she read through me.
But I can come down and keep you company if you like.
I AM A LOSER.
Was what initially came to mind.
The other thought was RUN.
Fight or flight man.
Before I could answer she said, I’ll be right down.
So I’m waiting, listening to hear how long the elevator takes and the doors open and an older woman with all gray hair whom I quite easily could have mugged said, are you Lindsay?
Why yes, I am, I am the crazy person I smiled and stepped right in.
I was relieved the elevator had glass and she was so calming and told me she had done this with a few other patients.
I laughed saying, so there are other whackos here too.
Anyways, just the most ridiculous thing but it helped and she got me there.
I had my session and I asked the shrink what I have asked my counselor. Am I a broken person?
They both assured me that my darkest fears are not true. I can’t type that here (I’m writing a memoir so you can read about that under some fake name when it’s published ;)
But he assured me I am not broken. Nor am I damaged goods.
I felt better then I had in awhile. I’ve been feeling better these days.
And then I got to take the stairs down, because you can get out but you can’t get in.
At the bottom of the stairs the door read “Open This Door.”
At first I thought I wish I could, I mean I could, I did. But I felt it was a sign that I am going to be OK.
That it’s a struggle but if I keep trying un-earth what I dug down for too long and continue to stop taking on so much I’ll be OK.
Life is an ass kicker but I can help alleviate some anxiety by taking certain pre-cautions and yes with the help of some anti-anxiety meds for awhile, once he talks to my cardiologist.
Anyways, that woman is awesome. She really made my day. Riding the elevator with me and causing us both some laughter.
Also, a big thanks to those of you who emailed me or commented. As always, sharing lightens the load. xo