Beginning after the last show ended I took my first “maternity leave” from Expressing Motherhood.
I needed to focus on a few things in our family but I also wanted to see what it was like not having a project, namely the show, to sidetrack me.
I thought I might get rid of my nanny.
I alluded that to her and told her I wanted to spend more time with my kids.
And to be honest, I was a bit miserable.
I made these plans to get my youngest into pre-school and she didn’t really want to go quite yet and I didn’t really want to be with her 5 days a week, because that meant no break for this mama.
I don’t believe in no breaks. Because I break.
I’m with my kids every day. I love it. But I also love racing to the computer when they nap. I love meeting up with like minded moms and rattling off our ideas in a fast and furious manner because we know our time is limited.
I’m addicted to the energy of being an artist.
The steam it allows me to blow off.
I felt depressed on some days with them and overwhelmed and honestly bored.
I was watching the documentary “Muscle Shoals” a few weeks ago with my husband and I had no idea what it was about. I was blown away. By the music, the editing, the way they spoke about being artists and also how it was mostly young men in their prime creating all of this art.
I felt suddenly thrilled that I have this community of women who are mothers, pushing or past 40 who feel like we have come into our prime.
Our stories are relevant.
These aren’t stories or feelings you feel at 20.
These are stories you have to lived and breed to get to.
All of the photos of the young recording artists, were well of young recording artists. And I couldn’t help but wonder are we at some kind of time when we will look back and say well this mom was doing this and that mom was doing that.
It’s un-traditional. We are doing it in un-traditional forms. Blogs, blogs, some traditional forms, on stage and in bands. Only we are older, we aren’t stick thin, we’ve had babies.
Yet we are artists still.
After a few months of my hiatus I realized I have to always keep at being created. As the lyrics from my friend Kari Newhouse often repeat in my mind “My Blood Needs This Race.”
When I was little I thought I would never marry or have kids.
I wanted to come to Los Angeles and pursue directing and never have a family.
It was my dream.
When I got married and got pregnant I thought I had failed.
I don’t feel that way now.
I love where I’m at now and I just realized I’m not at my best when I’m not alloying time to be creative.
I’m just not.